My Life Now

I am having a wonderful life right now. It is turning into fall time, time for soups, chilis, and bread with every meal. It is time to pick pumpkins, and eat lots of it too. It is time for hoodies, and camp fires, and walking in rustling leaves.

It is also almost time for Ken and I's second anniversary. There is so much we have done over these 2 years, and so many other things going to be happening soon.

Wilbur is growing up everyday, and is learning, and teaching me so much. He loves giving kisses and hugs, and is starting to fall asleep in his own bed, no more rocking and nursing to sleep for now. He loves being outside with his daddy, and saying hi to the baby.

Ahh, the baby, Wilbur is going to be a big brother, we are going to be parents to a baby and a toddler. So far, I have had an easy pregnancy, some tiredness, daily headaches, and slight nausea, but all in all, easy. Most days we are able to stay on routine, which is always helpful for Wilbur. I am preparing for a home birth, well, preparing as much as possible at only 5.5 weeks pregnant.

I have been so at peace lately, just enjoying life with Wilbur, loving the age he is, realizing how fast he is growing up. There are also challenges, figuring out how to discipline a strong willed toddler, without resorting to traditional parenting. But, life is fun, and a learning experience.

The First God He Sees

   As a Christian mother, all I want for Wilbur is to grow up to love God with all his heart, to know God as a friend, to serve Him with his life, to do God's will everyday. It won't matter then how long I nurse Wilbur, whether I allow him to self wean, or whether I wean him, it won't matter if I rocked him to sleep every night, or whether I had him CIO, it won't matter if he is vaccinated or not, all that will matter is that he knows who God is and how to live for Him.

     The question I have asked myself numerous times is how? How can I give Wilbur a foundation right now that will lead him to knowing God? I can read to him everyday from the Bible, I can teach him to pray before meals and bedtime. I can teach him to memorize scripture, I can fill his head with songs about God. Those are all good things, things I should be doing everyday, but they won't do a thing if I do not show him, in a dynamic manner, who God is.

     How do I show him who God is? First, I can tell him who God is to me. Tell him what God has done for me. Tell him when God answers my prayer. Tell him what I have learned about God in my personal quiet time. Tell him that God loves him. Tell him that God loves me, even when I mess up.

    An even better what to show him who God is, is to be God to him. I can hear you now, 'What? That is crazy, you can't be God, no one can be God but God Himself.' To that, I say true, so so true, but in the Bible, we see characteristics of God, we see how God parents us, we see how God loves, we see how He is patient, we see how He relates to us, we see how he trains us and disciplines us in His love.

     In this series, I am going to show you all the ways that God has shown me how to be the first God that Wilbur sees. I obviously don't refer to myself as God, because even though I am learning from God, I am not God, I never will be God, I do not strive to be God. I only strive to be a mommy, a mommy who loves the Lord, and loves her family, and tries to love her family the way God does.

Crunchy and Attachment Mommy Fails

This past week I have really been feeling a lot of mommy guilt, for numerous reasons. I figured I would get them off my chest, and see if anyone else can relate.

1.) The TV has been on almost all the time. I have been really in a funk where I don't want to do anything but snuggle my boy and watch TV.

2.) I have yelled at Wilbur. I strive to be a gentle mommy, but sometimes my sin nature over takes me and I just start yelling.

3.) We have not been eating very healthy. Wilbur has been eating puffs for more 'meals' than is good lately.

4.) Wilbur has been wearing only disposable diapers for the past week. I have been too lazy to wash my stash so we have been using yucky sposies.

5.) Instead of wearing Wilbur I have been not doing housework, and doing a little bit when Ken is home.

6.) I haven't read to Wilbur in a week. Big, big mommy fail there.

In the grand scheme of things, many of these aren't huge deals, but to me, they feel terrible, please tell me I am not the only one!

The Crucifixion from a Different Perspective

     Mother told me to stay home, she told me not to listen any longer to these accusations against Yeshi, Rabbi, dare I say it, Messiah? I couldn't stay away though, I needed to be there.
     By the time John came and told us about his arrest at Gethsemane, He had already been escorted to Pilate, which is where we went to join Him. As we ran to Him, I kept crying out to Jehovah, "Please spare Him, can't you save your people another way?"
     I got there just in time to hear all the lies spewed at my Yeshi, I couldn't believe what was being said about Him, did they not know Him at all?
     The accusers kept saying, "He says He is King, He refuses to worship Caesar." I wanted to yell back, "He says that because it is truth!" I refrained myself, knowing that is not what Yeshi would want.
     Pilate was wavering, I could see that, especially when he asked, "Are you truly King of the Jews?" I shook my head thinking, of course He is, if anything He is King of the universe! Yeshi kept calm, and just turn His peaceful eyes toward Pilate and answered, "You say it."
     I couldn't stop myself and started feeling joyful and hopeful inside as Pilate turned to the crowd and said, "I can find no fault with this man." I should have known that that wouldn't have mattered to this crowd, but I couldn't help but hope. The people cried out, "He is teaching the Jews about Himself."
    Pilate was trying so hard, He really was, he didn't want to kill Yeshi, but He wanted to keep the people happy. Somehow he found out that we resided in Galilee, so he sent Him to Herod. As we walked on to Herod, my heart just kept sinking deeper and deeper. Herod had always had it out for Yeshi. Herod had wanted to meet Him since the wedding at Cana.
     When we arrived, Herod started questioning Yeshi, but Yeshi just stood there, praying no doubt. Even though Yeshi didn't talk, there were more than enough there willing to accuse Him. Herod was loving the attention, and he wanted to continue to have all eyes on him. He sent his soliders to find a purple robe. When the soldiers got back, they started mocking Him, calling Him names, and He just stood there and took it.
     Herod took Yeshi back to Pilate, and I knew it was over. I especially knew when I was reminded that Pilate and Herod hated each other. You could and would never have known, the way they were being so friendly to each other.
     I still felt so horrible for Pilate as he stood there, He knew that Yeshi was not a criminal who should die. Pilate turned to all of the Jewish officals and said, "You have told me this man is perverting the nation. I have been questioning Him, and I can find no fault in Him at all. Even Herod can find no fault in Him, so why should He die? I will just rebuke Him, and then release Him."
     The reason that Pilate said that, besides the obvious, is because Passover is a time of remembering what Jehovah has done for us, a time to look back. It has been our custom then to release one prisoner and Pilate was so certain that Yeshi would be the one released.
    Why, do you ask? Well, the other prisoner was one who makes me shudder even now. He is Barabas, the murderer. Why would a murderer be released over our Messiah? Why? Because the people, who had worshiped Yeshi days earlier were blinded by the sin and darkness they lived in.
     Poor Pilate! He was trying so hard! He prepared Yeshi to be released, but the crowd yelled, "Crucify Him! Crucify Him!" I wanted to cover my ears and run away, but I wanted to be there for my Yeshi.
     Pilate tried a third time to release Him, he said he would rebuke Yeshi. The crowd was seething with anger, so much so that I feared for Pilate's life, as well as John's and my own. Pilates face was so horrible to look at, a look of despair and failure.
     Pilate started to prepare that murderer for release, and I turned away and cried. I knew in my heart of hearts that it had to be this way. I wanted again to run away, and remember how life was only one year ago, but I knew that I couldn't, I knew I needed to be there.

To be continued :)

Carry Me, Carry Me, Carry Me Now

If you are my friend on Facebook, you have most likely seen that I just got a new baby carrier, my beloved, organic, Ergo. I have noticed that when I wear him more, and follow his cues about wanting to be worn, or to be down and exploring, he is much happier, which in turn means I am much happier.

Yesterday, I was wearing Wilbur and dancing around the living room because he was quite grumpy. While we were dancing, we were listening to KLove, and a couple of songs came on that talked about how God carries us, and holds us, and comforts us when we need Him to.

As I listened to the songs, and sang them to Wilbur, it made me realize that Wilbur needing to be worn, and held, and carried, and comforted, is a need that God has ingrained in everyone of us. And when I wear, and hold, and carry, and comfort Wilbur, I am loving him as God loves us.

Yes, sometimes it is easy to get discouraged, and not want to wear Wilbur, or comfort him,  but now, I realize I have a heavenly example, the best parent ever to follow, and that gives me the patience I need to keep on wearing, keep on holding, keep on comforting, all the while, remembering that God is holding me, just as I am holding Wilbur. 

My life-yes it's a sacrifice

The other day I talked about how our lives are a living sacrifice, and how every day, many times a day we need to give our lives up as a sacrifice. I also said I would share some ways that we can be a living sacrifice.

The first way, and the most important way, is to give our day to God, ask Him to direct how your day will go, and follow His commands that He gives us. It isn't always easy to follow His commands, but as I said in the previous post, being a sacrifice isn't easy, and sometimes it is just plain painful.

One of His commands is to love Him and put Him first. I do this by doing my devotion first thing in the morning. Wilbur gets up at the same time as me, so it is just me reading a chapter of the Bible, but I do that first, and pray to get my mind in the right spot. I also have the radio on most of the time, listening to praise songs to keep my mind in the right spot.

Another command is for wives to respect their husbands. I like my own way, I like doing my own thing, but I need to put Ken first, that is what God asks of me, and it is a way to be a sacrifice, and to give myself for others. When he asks me for something, I need to get up with a smile on my face, and respect his wishes. I am definitely a huge work in progress on this, and I probably always will be, but I am working on it.

I need to be a living sacrifice when I care for Wilbur. Sometimes it is hard, sometimes I do not want to rock him for another minute, sometimes I want to sleep all night without needing to nurse him, sometimes I want to clean the kitchen without an 'interruption', but I need to listen to God when He says children are a blessing, and realize that I am raising Wilbur up not for myself, but for God.

Another way to be a living sacrifice is to trust God in everything, trust Him to lead me in the best way possible. Trust Him to lead Ken and I in the way He wants us to go. Again, is this easy? No, I like to know when things will happen, and what will happen, but that isn't having trust in God, that is having trust in myself, which isn't a good thing.

Do you have other ideas and ways you can be a living sacrifice? Leave a comment and let me know. :)

My Life: A Sacrifice?

Today, Wilbur and I read in Numbers for our daily Bible reading, and the chapter we were reading was one of those chapters. You know the ones, all the rules and regulations of when to make a sacrifice, with what animal, and for what. One of those chapters that I like to just read to say its read because my OCD mind won't let me skip it.
My mind was wandering while I was reading it, but Wilbur was listening, he was not even trying to play with the pages, he was just sitting, listening, so apparently he knew this chapter was important. God was telling Moses that the Isrealites needed to make a sacrifice every morning and every evening, and then extra sacrifices everyday for the first week of every month.
I thought to myself, 'wow, that's a lot of sacrifices, all they seem to do is sacrifice, that must get old after a while.' Then the wheels of my mind starting spinning, 'Christians are supposed to be a living sacrifice, so apparently what this verse is saying to modern day Christians, is that we are to offer ourselves to God everyday, multiple times a day, all the time. Whoa, apparently Numbers isn't all that outdated after all.'
What does it mean to be a living sacrifice? It means giving yourself to God, doing what He wants, not what you want. Living Him and His glory and not living for yourself. Does it sound hard? painful even? Well, not to be disgusting, but what was done to a lamb or a goat when it was sacrificed? It was killed with a knife, and then burned. To me that sounds just a bit painful, a bit not fun, a bit like I don't want to do this anymore.
You know what else it is? It is relief, it is worth it, sometimes, it is even easier. I don't have to know all the answers, I don't have to be right all the time, I don't have to be perfect, I just have to say Lord, I am yours, I am a sacrifice, do what you will with me. He makes all the decisions, I just have to follow.
Tomorrow I will have a post on what it looks like practically to be a sacrifice :)

One Crunchy Mamma

Another side of me is that I am crunchy, I am trying to go all natural with every part of life, food, cleaning, baby care, pregnancy, and so on. Some ways that I am trying to go crunchy are using only cloth diapers with Wilbur now. I first started because of the cost aspect, but after reading about the chemicals in diapers, I now have a really good reason to use only cloth diapers.

I had a drug free birth, and Wilbur has had no vaccines, and he won't, neither will Ken or I, or any of our future children. I am nursing Wilbur, and he doesn't have a pacifier, and only occasional bottles. None of our future children will have a pacifier, and only glass bottles when they have a bottle. I am going to nurse Wilbur as long as he wants to, and I make all his food, we do mostly Baby Led Weaning.

I make all my own cleaning supplies, out of basic ingredients, vinegar, citrus peels, and water. I like being able to have Wilbur in my arms, or in the baby carrier while I clean, and also being able to have his help as he gets older. I also make my own laundry detergent, and I am trying to find a recipe for dish soap.

I am starting to use herbs for healing, and as daily supplements instead of store bought vitamins. I am looking forward to the spring when I can forage for a few herbs outside, and also grow some. I am striving to go all real food, it is one step at a time, but we are slowly getting there.

I am also planning on switching over shampoo, soap, and other beauty accessories over to all natural substitutes.

Some steps I am working on right now are getting rid of all plastics that we put any food product in, and also all of Wilbur's toys that are plastic. I am also looking to stop buying all processed foods, and have fresh veggies and fruits more. I am also trying to get rid of all OTC drugs, and find a Naturopath for us to all go to for a Dr, and if I can't find one, we will continue to not go to the Dr.

If you have any questions, or want any of my cleaning recipes or if you have any tips, let me know!

School with Wilbur

Yes, I do school with Wilbur, everyday pretty much. We call it Circle Time and he loves it, and I do too. Ever since he was born, we have been reading from the Bible to him, and now we do it three times a day.

Before his morning nap we read a chapter from the Old Testament. Before his afternoon nap we read the Psalms and Proverbs of the day. Before Ken gets home we read a chapter from the New Testament.

During Circle Time we read 2 books, say a nursery rhyme, play a game, listen to music, count to 10 and back again, and read a couple Bible verses that I am memorizing. As he gets older, we will add more to it.

We also do some sensory games too, his favorite is finger painting with yogurt, it makes a huge mess, but it is so fun watching him play with it. I am always on the lookout for more fun games to do with him, so if any of you have an idea, let me know!

My Parenting Style

I am going to write today about my parenting style, so you can have a feel for who I am. I lean more towards Attachment Parenting, I do most of the 'attachment' thing. When I was pregnant, that is how I wanted it, but when Wilbur was born, I started listening to all those who said he needed to be on a schedule, he needed to be in his own bed, he needs to learn that he can't 'control' you with his crying.

I was miserable during those first few weeks, and I think some of it was because I was going against my instincts, I was going against how I felt as a mother, and it wasn't working for anyone. I finally started feeding him whenever he was hungry, I started letting him sleep in bed with me, I started doing everything that I felt was right. As soon as I started that, we both got happier, everything started falling right into place.

We are now very happy, he still sleeps in bed with us, even though many have said he needs to learn to sleep in his own bed. He will sleep on his own when he is ready, he won't sleep in bed with us until his wedding. I still rock him or nurse him to sleep for every nap and every time he might wake up at night. I wear him in my carrier occasionally, he isn't a huge fan of it, he wants to move around on his own, but when I need it, I use it. As soon as he starts crying, I pick him up, or take him back from whoever is holding him.

I love how I parent, but that doesn't mean I don't like someone else who parents differently, but I don't like people who parent differently who make it sound like I am going to ruin my child by parenting the way I do. Everyone does what works best for them, and that will probably be different than what I do for my child. 

Wilbur's Birth Story

Just so you are warned, this is going to be long!

On April 13th, I had a Dr's appointment, and they informed me that Wilbur could come at anytime. Mind you, I wasn't due until June 1st, a little under 2 months away. They didn't give me a reason behind saying that, but I was excited. I instantly went home and packed my hospital bags, convinced that Wilbur would be born soon.

He wasn't, I still had 5 weeks to wait, which seemed to drag by. I was having Braxton Hicks numerous times a day, I could barely sleep, and I was so excited to meet my little man. I had had a couple times when I thought I was in labor, but it was just the BH, added with the Dr telling me he could come anytime.

On May 18th, I started having contractions that were more the BH's, but after my few false alarms, I didn't want to go to the hospital quite yet. Ken called in to work because he was convinced, this was it. Around 8 that night, when they hadn't gone away yet, we went to the hospital. They hooked me up to all those fun monitors, and said yes, I was having contractions, and yes, they were only 5 minutes apart and yes, I was dilated a bit more than I was at my appointment, (I was 4cm), but you are only 38 weeks, so there is nothing we can do to speed things up, if you were 39 weeks or 5cm, we could speed this up.

I walked around for about an hour, and only made it to a 4.5, so I was sent home. Ken, my family, and I were convinced that we would be back at the hospital later that night. We went home, and went to bed, and woke up at home the next morning. I had contractions every 5 or so minutes all day Saturday and Sunday. Everyone that I had, I kept wondering if it would be the start of real labor.

Sunday we went to church, out to lunch, shopping, and back to church. When we got home that night, we had pizza with some friends. Before we went to bed, Ken and I watched a movie, and I went to bed. Before I went to bed I toyed with the idea of taking the sleeping pill they had given me at the hospital Friday night. I had Ken look up to see if it was truly safe to take while pregnant, and it wasn't, so I just fell asleep.

Monday morning at 2, I woke up to a contraction that was different, and more painful than the ones I had had previously. I tried to catch some sleep, and I dozed off and on until 3:30, when I got up to go to the bathroom. I decided to take a bath to see if that helped at all. While in the tub, I read through my Above Rubies magazines.

After I got out of the tub, I tried to lay down and sleep again, and it didn't work, so I got up to take a shower. I tried to wake up Ken to tell him, but he was really tired, so I let him keep sleeping. After my shower I laid down on the couch, and finally Ken woke up to check on me. He got another tub ready for me, while asking if I wanted to call the on call doctor and go to the hospital. I told him I wanted to wait until 8 when the doctors office opened so I could go in to the office instead of the hospital.

At 8, I called the doctors, and they said to come on in. We left at about 9, and made it to the doctors at 9:30, where I went through the normal routine. When I was checked, I was 7 cm, and I remember looking at Ken and telling him, I got this. I knew I could go through with my drug-free birth plan. We went right over to the hospital, where Ken dropped me off at the door.

We got up to Labor and Delivery, and got the monitors on and all hooked up. The nurse checked me and I was 7.5 cm. I was told it was a midwife who would be the doctor on call that day, and that was exciting to me, I knew out of all the doctors on call, a midwife would be most open to my birth plan.

The nurse came in a gave me a hep lock, just in case I needed an IV for any reason. She had to try twice, because the first time I had a contraction, and I tensed up a bit, so she missed. Around this time, the midwife came in to check me, and I was 8cm. She said she would in around noon, and possibly break my water, depending on Wilbur's heart rate.

During the hour of waiting until noon, I slept off and on in between my contractions, which stayed 5 minutes apart throughout my whole labor, for which I am beyond thankful. Right before the midwife came in, my water broke, which again, I am thankful it broke on its on. When the midwife came in, I knew I was ready to start pushing, and after only 30 minutes of pushing (which I have heard is quite short for a first time mom) Wilbur was born, fussing only a little bit. He was born at 12:33, only 2 hours after arriving at the hospital.

They put him right up on my chest, and as soon as I started talking to him, he calmed right down, and just snuggled right up. He started nursing about 30 minutes after he was born, and was an instant champ. I am so grateful for such a short labor, and for him taking to nursing right away. I am also grateful that I was able to have such an easy birth, that followed my whole birth plan.